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Feb. 28th, 2005 @ 04:40 am (no subject)
I feel a little bad because this story was written by someone I sorta know. >> But oh well.

Fanfiction Name: Slipped Away

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2139764/1/

Fanfiction Author: s91

Character's Name: Jane Peterson, a/k/a Jane EMMA Tarvered what did you do to that fish! <-- Yes, it was actually written like that in the fic. It seems to be Lyserg's childhood nickname for her.

Relations to the Original Characters: Lyserg's long lost friend since they were... like, 4 or so?

Physical Characteristics of the OC: Long, black hair, brown eyes, wore black jeans and a black long sleeve shirt because she's OMG SO BADASS WITH AN ANGSTY PAST.

Special Abilities That Do Nothing For The Reader Other Than Get On Their Nerves: Nothing, really. She's not a shaman... but she DOES have a mansion in England, with 23 bedrooms.

Critiques/Rants/Samples of the Story: Alright, well, I'm gonna follow lasakura's example and write my own comments in between. But, I think I'm gonna LJ-cut it. Might be kinda long once I'm done...


Okay, first chapter was mostly written in song-fic style, and I almost stopped reading it because it was so god damned boring. >> But I was already bored, so I had nothing to lose.

“It’s going to be so weird to see Lyserg after all these years,” said a 14-year-old girl. She had long black Hair and brown eyes and wore a pair of dark black jeans and a plain long sleeve back shirt. <-- Yes, because I'm sure it's SO important to know what she's wearing.

“I just hope you can remember Me.,” she said as she got on bored a bus headed for Funbari Hill <-- Capital M on "me" and no period at the end of the sentence. Nice.

Yoh opened the door to see a girl with long black hair and brown eyes.

“Umm is this the Funbari Olsen?” she asked
<-- Olsen? Is Mary Kate and Ashley there too?

“Jane Peterson, better know as... Jane EMMA Tarvered what did you do to that fish!” said the girl

“Little Janey!” said Lyserg
<-- LITTLE JANEY. Uh... no.

“So Lyserg who’s the ‘friend’?” asked Horohoro making little quote signals with his hands

“Jane Emma Paterson.” Said Jane
<-- Christ, is it the first name, or the second? Pick one!

“So, Lyserg, umm are you gonna tell me who they are or, do you know them or what?” asked Jane <-- Yeah, I'm sure Lyserg would approve of living in a house full of strangers.

“Yoh Asakura.” Said Yoh

“Tao Ren.” Said Ren in his usual mean tone
<-- Dude, this is the same with what happened with the "Trey Racer/Tao Ren" story. If you're gonna use the Western format, fine, but please be consistent with it!

“My psycho killer moron of a dad said ghosts weren’t real, that basturted should burn in hell for what he did to my mum.” Said Jane really fast <-- How did the subject go from believing in ghosts to killing Jane's mom? >_o

And here we have OMG TEH ANGSTY FLASHBACK.

So, Jane and Lys are about 4, and Jane goes to Lyserg's house for the first time...

The two chatted on as grown women did “Oh and this is my son Lyserg.” “this is my daughter Jane...EMMA TARVERED!” Elizabeth yelled this because just as soon as she had looked over Jane was taking the family gold fish and putting them in a flower vase.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT FISH!?”

“It wanted to look at the flowers.” Said Jane
<-- Aye... I'm not even going to comment on this one.

“What’s your daddy’s job?” asked Jane

“He’s a detective.” Said Lyserg glowing with pride

“Cool, my daddy’s a systems manager.” After Jane said this Lyserg gave her a weird look “I don’t know what it means either.” Jane stated

“Oh, that’s ok.” Said Lyserg

So ever since then Jane and Lyserg were best friends.
<-- Okay, "What's your daddy's job?" is not what I'd call a good conversation starter.

So, here, Jane started to pick up rumors and things about ghosts and fairies from Lyserg. But see, little Janey's daddy didn't like that. So he stabbed mommy about seven times and left her for dead. It's astonishing that he didn't go after little Janey herself. Such a shame...

“Ouch get it Yoh I can’t hold Horo too much longer!” Jane yelled pinning Horohoro on the floor trying to get an egg out of his hands. <-- Ahh, stop molesting HoroHoro! >___<

“Who fucked up England’s justice system?” Said Lyserg <-- Hey, hey, angel-boy cursed. Anybody find something wrong with that besides me?

“But seriously, I don’t think he’ll find me.” Jane just had the words out of her mouth when the phone rang. She answered “hello.” there was no answer until someone said “I know where you are.” Jane only answered “OH HELL NO YOU DON’T AND IF I EVER SEE YOUR ASS YOU BETTER PRAY TO GOD YOU’RE SIX FEET UNDER BECAUSE IF YOUR NOT YOU WILL BE YOU MOTHER FUCKER!” after yelling this Jane put the phone on the hook and said “The fucker knows where I am.” <-- Can someone say bipolar?

She waited for a hard punch…but nothing she slowly opened her eyes to see none other that Lyserg Diethel.

He had grabbed John’s hand just before he could punch Jane Lyserg said “YOU will NOT ever treat her like that!”
<-- No, Lyserg, let him go! >_<

“You are one sick mother fucker.” Said Lyserg as he reached for Jane’s hand and pulled her away from her father and closer to him <-- He cursed again! What the hell!?

“What the hell’s going on in here?” Said Ren as he walked in with his kawn dow <-- What's a kawn dow? Can I have one for Christmas?

I wonder why Jane avoids talking about him. I just doesn’t make since. <-- Um, because he's a MURDERER. You doesn't make much since either.

Jane’s a very complex person I hope I didn’t make her seem un-human or anything. <-- Nawww, just painfully unrealistic in almost every way possible.

“Well, there’s 23 bed rooms here, go have your pick. There are three stories and 2 bathrooms on each one.” Said Jane <-- Hah, yeah. And tell me, HOW is a 14 year old able to afford the mortgage and property taxes by herself? Not to mention the housekeepers and cooks.

“This was the room Elizabeth was murdered in, Jane asked for us to leave it UN touched and that’s what we did.” Said the woman. <-- The room hasn't been cleaned in 10 years! That's disgusting!


Christ, I can't read anymore. >_< I'm goin' to bed.
About this Entry
demonyohko:
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From:lasakura
Date:February 28th, 2005 03:12 pm (UTC)

-blinkblink-

(Permanent Link)
Okay, so this was written by someone you know?

Please tell them that Lyserg is a gently brought up (okay, maybe not *that* gently) young, er, British person, and that for this one, she should follow all the British stereotypes and never let him swear. Or fall in love.

What's with the two Lyserg fixations in one day..?
From:demonyohko
Date:February 28th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)

Re: -blinkblink-

(Permanent Link)
Well, not someone I know well, just someone that happens to be on my friends list. :P

What should I tell her about the Sue? xD
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From:lasakura
Date:February 28th, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC)

Re: -blinkblink-

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-pores over your friends' list-

..Erm. -cough-

Maybe that Lyserg shouldn't swear, and that she should watch all episodes with Lyserg-content at least three times a day until she's memorized his personality.

Also, to try to write a character desc for Lyserg and Jane.

Name:
Age:
Gender:
Physical Appearance:
Personality:
History:

And to make them coalesce so that they make sense. And to brush it past one of her friends -- say, you? xP -- and see if they come off as (in the case of Jane) Sues or (in Lyserg's case) canon. And then to stick to the outline when she writes.

Tall order, neh? But I think that it'd be better for it.
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From:s91_cat_lover
Date:March 5th, 2005 02:41 am (UTC)

^^;

(Permanent Link)
Eeep, I’m not here to bite heads off ^^;. (seriously why do people do that???)

But I would have rather had a review seeing as I hardly get any crit, the closest thing I do get to grit is a once a chapter flame from D: asking me to make Marco and Hao kiss... (Yes, he said it… it scares me and makes me laugh it has power)

Anyway reading this has showed me I have plot holes I’ll more than likely re work the fiction after my school work load is a bit lower.

I needed this thanks.